Diary of a Ronin
by starlightxlilies
Summary: This takes place after the end of the anime series and plays off on what happens later in the manga. It is an excerpt of a diary entry Kenshin might have written about his two loves.


It's surprising how fast your life begins to assert itself after you experience certain things time and time again. When you battle for your life more than once, every time you grasp the sword, you are also grasping onto life, that you are. This one sits here peacefully beneath the cherry blossom trees, and yet this one cannot fully enjoy their beauty. This one is afraid he will never be able to again. That kind of happiness left this one long ago when he first set foot out of Kyoto. That was over a decade ago, that it was. Even though this one is plagued with distant memories as vivid as the present, this one tries to smile and hides his pain to the world. If people around this one were to worry or frown they would be burdened by this one's personal pain. That pain should only belong to this one and no one else for it was this one's own actions that led to his sufferings. Upon finishing these thoughts onto paper, this one shall tuck the note away and never again take it out.

Now life has brought a decision to this one's doorstep. Shall it be that this one makes the offer to the one he cares for the most? Is this one ready to make that kind of commitment once again? Everyone else wishes this to happen, wishes that this one would propose to Miss Kaoru already and declare this one's love for her. And yet, this one knows not whether his feelings are truly that of love or just some overly caring sense of protectiveness. This one truly wishes to see Miss Kaoru happy, that he does. However he does not know if a false love would make her happy.

Sanosuke is preparing to leave us here at the dojo. He has set his sights upon traveling the world, that he has. He intends to go about fighting strong opponents in every country this one supposes. This one only hopes that Sano will be careful and return soon so that he may share his adventures. Before he left, Sanosuke took this one aside to offer advice on matters of the heart concerning women. The things he said this one could repeat exactly onto paper, that he can:

_Listen, Kenshin. The Missie really cares about you, alright? Everyone knows it and it's been about two years since you came to this dojo hasn't it? Well now it's time to make your move! Go on now Kenshin, tell her you love her and get married already! I know you care about her, and even though I'm sure you'd save anyone in danger, you seem to be overly protective of the Missie than you are of anyone else, and when she's threatened you get this glint in your eye that just makes me glad I'm not the one threatening her. So I want to see you two together before I leave alright? It's your duty as the man to make the first move, although I'm sure you've already noticed her total devotion to you. Ever since that day you guys went off to Kyoto together she hasn't been as discreet about her feelings for you. She loves you Kenshin, anyone can see that, now be a man and propose to her. _

The pressures of everyone around the dojo has been piling up and pushing this one towards the one person he fears to get closer to. Perhaps it is not merely the doubts of love but the doubts of union that trouble this one.

_It's been ten years since I've uttered her name, on my lips and on paper. Tomoe Yukishiro Himura. The woman who has left me widowed all these long years. There has not been one day that I haven't thought of her and the love that we shared. Back when I was Battousai the Manslayer, she was never afraid of me and she found the true man inside my heart and brought him out and made me happy. For the first time in my life I had found true happiness, being with her and seeing her gentle, smiling face day after day as I felt the warm, tilled earth in my hands. I remember her once telling me that if I had not become a hitokiri, I would have made an excellent farmer. I was happy she said that, for in my heart that was my true desire, to grow things and give life, instead of taking life away. _

_Yet despite the happiness we shared together the smell of treachery hung in the air and I knew she could not be trusted. She kept a diary and wrote in it every night as I pretended to sleep; yet I never read it. Perhaps I was afraid that if I did, I would discover secrets that would ruin the peace that we shared. I did not want it to end, I wanted to believe that we could live our lives together like that, away from everyone else, deep in the mountains of Kyoto and find contentment in each other. But that one fateful day, when my serenity shattered, that was the day the manslayer in me died, along with the love that I had. I had trusted her but Tomoe betrayed that love and I was forced to follow her. _

_In the end I would have had to kill her for her treachery and yet the journey proved difficult, not because of the hidden traps beneath the snow-fallen ground, nor the many opponents and obstacles that stood in the way, but because of the decision I would have to make when I reached my destination. My body was dragged down continuously for my heart was heavy with the choice facing me. And yet I could not allow myself to lose, though I remember sincerely wishing that one of those henchmen would end my life. I was plagued with the burden of victory each time. I would have to continue._

_I knew what awaited me, her employer, my real opponent. I knew the strategy he had taken in order to weaken my heart and therefore my body and soul. It was the love I had that had now been shattered, the trust I had given to his bait that had been broken. I had never loved nor trusted anyone so completely before that time, and to have that destroyed almost destroyed me as well. However, as with my other opponents, he was defeated, and she was defeated as well. As fate had intervened, it was I who had betrayed her in the end. I who ended her life with my own two hands. I remember the snow that day, and I remember the feeling of Tomoe in my arms, smiling, as life flowed out of her, that sweet and gentle smile that I fell in love with. The snow was nothing compared to the numbness of my heart. The tear, frozen on my cheek, never reached her. The hand she held up and the dagger in her fingers carved her last gift to me, right below my fallen tear. The second slash, to complete my curse. Her task completed, she hummed a foreign note, and gave me a final smirk as if laughing at the irony of our love, how she came to love her fiancé's murderer, the Hitokiri Battousai. _

_I have often thought about Tomoe and how I betrayed her trust. Perhaps I am afraid that the same thing will happen with Miss Kaoru._

Yes, indeed, perhaps that fear has been preventing this one from making a commitment to Miss Kaoru after all. But it's different this time, that it is. This time Miss Kaoru and this one have known each other far longer than the time this one ever spent with his former wife. And although this one does not wake up to a smiling face from Miss Kaoru everyday, this one does enjoy seeing her face, that he does. What has kept this one from wandering away all these years? What makes this one stay for so long? It is the smile. Her smile that keeps this one. Miss Kaoru certainly has a wonderfully bright smile, that she does. Her smile brings happiness and sunshine into the bleak world of this one's life and perhaps that is why this one stays, he tries to stay in the sunshine, because it feels good. It is good to have friends; it is good to have a familiar face, smiling not only at you, but for you. And it is even better to be the reason for such a smile. Yes, as long as Miss Kaoru does not lose her sweet and innocent ways, this one will stay, and this one will continue to protect her, that he will. This one shall continue to protect that which he desires most, the life of a carefree wanderer, accepted by this smiling girl. In truth, this one is selfish after all. He does not wish to share her smile with anyone, that he does not. And he is glad that she smiles only for him. _Miss Kaoru has always been the one to take this one home, no matter where he happens to wander off to. She can never let him go, and he, he does not wish her to. _


End file.
